why do i have the urge to fuck up a good thing? honest answer? I don't feel I'm worthy of it, i don't deserve it. i don't deserve happiness. I'm fucking insane. that's how i feel. that's how i really really feel. so god damn fucked up in the head. like i fabricate shit just to fuck shit up because i get scared when its going good. i literally freak out. i feel like if its going good im going to really do something thats going to fuck it up, but then my stupid dumb ass goes and does it anyway. why cant i talk?? why cant i talk why cant i talk why cant i talk why cant i talk why cant i talk? i can ask myself that a million times and the only thing in my head at that moment is im scared. what if what i say sounds stupid or it pisses someone off. i cant handle people being pissed at me? i cant handle feeling second. i have done nothing but strive for every ones approval. for everyone to like me. just like me please dont hate me. but why? i dont know? thats a lie because i do know but it hurts so bad. im so hurt inside. go talk to someone, get on meds...yea yea i know but im scared to. im afraid im really crazy, like have a mental disorder or some shit. im so angry with everyone all the time, i treat everyone that i truly love like shit. like kate. god i love her. she makes a little ray of light penetrate the shit wall that i have built up around me. she makes me happy and im scared of her. im scared to just let her make me happy. im scared that if i do let her in and i do let her make me happy that it will end and i will be so broken. i cant be anymore broken than i already am. i feel like i should be over this. stop letting it bother me. just let it die, just move on, just be happy. for fuck sake just let it go ashley just let it go. i think i know what i need to do. i really do but i cant do it. why why why why why cant i just go fucking punch her in her face and say you hurt me bitch you broke me. its all your fault! God i want to scream. you are my sister, you were supposed to protect me from bad things. you weren't supposed to hurt me. it wasnt fair that you hurt me. it wasnt fair that you didnt protect me. its not fair that my mom is too worried about anyone finding out so worried that im going to say something. fucking really?? STOP PROTECTING HER! STOP WORRYING ABOUT HOW SHE FEELS! DO YOU KNOW WHAT SHE DID TO ME? DO YOU KNOW? YOU KNOW WHAT SHE DID TO ME PHYSICALLY BUT INSIDE MOM DO YOU REALLY KNOW? NO YOU DONT BECAUSE YOU WONT LISTEN TO ME, YOU HEAR ME BUT YOU DONT LISTEN. YOU TRULY DONT. IF I SAID IT WOULD HELP ME IF YOU WENT TO HER AND SAID WHAT YOU DID WAS WRONG AND IM ANGRY AND UPSET WITH YOU WOULD YOU DO IT? WOULD YOU? NO YOU WOULDNT BECAUSE YOU ARE TOO WORRIED FUCKING WORRIED ABOUT SHANNONS FUCKING FEELINGS. FUCK SHANNON. FUCK SHANNON. SHE HAS FUCKED ME UP SO DAMN BAD. SO BAD THAT I FEEL LIKE IT WAS MY FAULT THAT NOW IM NOT WORTH LOVING, IM NOT WORTH IT. I DONT EVEN FEEL THAT I DESERVE THE LOVE FROM MY KIDS. ITS ALMOST LIKE I WANT THEM TO HATE ME BECAUSE IF THEY DO THEN I CANT HURT THEM. I CANT HURT THEM THAT MUCH IF THEY ALREADY HATE ME. I CANT LOVE, I FEEL LIKE I CANT LOVE THE RIGHT WAY. WHAT DO I MEAN ABOUT THE RIGHT WAY? I DONT REALLY KNOW BUT THATS JUST HOW IT FEELS. IT FEELS LIKE I WANT A FUCKING STRANGER OFF THE STREET TO ACCEPT ME AND LIKE ME AND BE MY FRIEND. EVERY GUY I MEET HAS TO WANT ME. I NEED TO BE WANTED BY EVERYONE AND I DONT CARE ABOUT THE ONES THAT DO WANT ME. THATS EXTREMELY MESSED UP RIGHT. WHY IN THE HELL DO I DO THAT? WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO HURT KATE? WHY? GOD I LOVE HER SO MUCH I DO. I DONT REALLY THINK SHES CHEATING ON ME. I DONT I JUST GET JEALOUS BECAUSE SHES SUPPOSED TO BE MINE RIGHT? BUT THEN I FUCKING TREAT HER LIKE A PEICE OF DIRT. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO HURT HER. OMG IM FUCKING GOING INSANE IN MY HEAD. THERE IS THIS CONSTANT TURMOIL WITHIN MY SELF. i need to go get help. i really just need to sit down And pour all this out to a professional who can help me. someone thats not family someone who doesnt know me. someone that can look at me and say its not your fault and all of this is completely normal even tho its been 11 years. its ok to still feel this hurt and you dont have to ignore it. you dont have to be ok with it.
I play the vitim, i twist it around in my sick head that im the one getting hurt and abused and mistreated....is that so i can justify it to myself better. i can make my shitty self feel better about the shitty thing i just did if i make myself believe it? i have to stop this. my mom says i should just get over it, i should move past it and i should let it go.....LET IT GO?!?!? really? I tell her i want to scream all the time that im so angry and know what she said to me? well its not going to help anything if i scream it to the world!!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? I get it that shannons her daughter too but jesus christ atleast tell her it wasnt ok. stop trying to make me ignore it. stop trying to protect her. fucking protect me for once. just fucking one time im asking you to protect me. stand up for me. she said well what do you want me to do prosecute her? send her to prison? fucking really mom?? no mom i dont want you to bring anyone else into it. i want you to go to her and tell her she was wrong to do that. tell her she broke me and should be ashamed of her self. tell her she was supposed to protect me.
i lied to Kate. i lied about who i was. i didnt tell her that i was a fucking mess. i didnt tell her that i obbsess about shit, just like the laundry or the dishes. i obess about it. i think about it all the time. i think about the fights we have. i think about her saying shes just here for the kids to make sure they are protected from me. protected from thier mother because i am such a fucking mess that i honestly forget about them sometimes. the only time i know they are around is when kate is isipining them and then i get mad her for doing that. really why? because they are my kids. are they really? do i even care? kate met me she thought i was the victim of a bad marriage, a bad husband. i dont think i was. i did this to mike. i broke him. i was horrible, and never happy. i felt like i had to fuck every guy i met just to make sure i felt wanted when everyday he loved me. he loved me, and i broke him. and now im breaking kate. im wearing her down. im going to make her leave me. shes not mike, she wont wait 10 years. she will leave me. oh god she will leave me, shes going to leave me. it better for her to, but i dont mean that, i dont want that. i dont want her to leave me. im making her so unhappy and its selfish of me to keep her and mistreat her. i have to stop. wha tif i cant stop. what if no matter what anyone does im never happy? what if i am uncapable of being happy. do i even know what happiness is? i was happy yesterday afternoon. i was happy with Kate head next to mine. im happy when we take the kids places together and spend time together. i miss happy, but im scared of happy. yesterday i kept looking at her thinking im going to fuck this up somehow, shes going to leave me. what would i do if she left me? why? why am i so afraid of being happy? it doesnt make any sense. none of it does. none of it does. i am a horrible partner. no i dont drink, i dont steal her money and buy drugs or beer, i dont beat her until she pisses blood for weeks....but i emotionally beat the fuck out of her. why would i do that to the person i love, to my person, my soulmate? whats wrong with me? did it really fuck me up that bad? how long will kate be able to endure this? I want to get better, i want to heal. i know i need her strength to do it. i sounds stupid, to me it does, to have her go with me, but im scared. im scared i will get into a room and freeze up and give the therapist my 'moms version' the bits and pieces that i know wont make anyone think anything bad about me.
